the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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