I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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