Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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