I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
