Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
