If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
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Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
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Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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