Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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