The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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