sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
