I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
