I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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