Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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