ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
