I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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