so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
