she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Randomize
