hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
