I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
