thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
