Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
