Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
