She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
