He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
being pregnant is like rehab
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Randomize
