hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
