So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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