Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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