Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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