you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
50% drunk capacity currently
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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