I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize