Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
