My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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