Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Randomize
