Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I met the friendliest cop last night
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
