The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
barbara walters just said penis...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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