Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
