if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
