You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
