Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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