Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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