He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
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he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
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It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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