she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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