I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
