I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
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