I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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