I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
