listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
