oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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