i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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