wrigley field is MILF paradise
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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