i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
