I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
