I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
