Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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