He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
