hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
