I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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